True Feelings

My Best friend

You were my best friend throughout my childhood. You were my partner in crime. We would go on missions for ice cream almost every weekend. We have our own language and humor that no one really understands. We would go to hell and back for each other. Many people wanted or envied our relationship.

Coach

By the age of six things started to turn between us. Softball had now entered my life and became my get away until we decided to join a travel team. You offered to help coach and we thought that it would be the greatest idea in the world because we would end up spending more time together. You pushed me and broke me mentally and physically to the point where I didn’t want to play softball anymore. I continued so I prove to you that I really did love the game. Your method was similar to Professor Randy Pausch’s outlook on obstacles. In Pausch’s “Last Lecture” he said “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” This mentality gave me the opportunity to play softball in high school and in college. During the beginning of first college season I tore my hamstring. We went to the doctors together and they told you that I tore my hamstring and that I wasn’t going to be able to play the rest of the season. Instead of letting me rest you pushed me to continue playing the season which caused me to damage my hamstring permanently. My injury became your disappointment.

Myocardial Infarction

After your episode, anger seemed to run through you like a waterfall. Your anger didn’t only show on the field but at home too. Anything said or done that you didn’t approve of for some reason was my fault. Problems at the field were “learning lessons”, you were disciplining me. Your “learning lessons” were not seen as “learning lessons” to others, your actions were abuse. I was so afraid of you and didn’t want to continue or worsen my “learning lessons” that all I would say is “ok” or “Yes Coach” and took my punishment. These “learning lessons” happened for eleven years. I REPEAT! I took your “lessons” for eleven years.

He Admires You

Everyone says that you adore me. Geez, I wish I saw it. “He says great things about you.” Really, like how dumb I am? Or how worthless I am? I’m only asking because that’s the talk we had last night. “He says that you are a great player.” OMG! No you mean how much I disappoint him because I’m the child of an almost pro and he never played as bad as I did. We had that talk twenty minutes ago.

Graduation

Graduation was the turning point of my mentality. Yes, I didn’t graduate on time but I graduated. I didn’t receive a GED. I received a diploma. The fact that you didn’t go to my graduation ceremony because you were embarrassed of me shows how much you cared. My graduation should have nothing to do with you. My graduation should have been a happy moment. Instead you put your pride first and missed a memory. Then you later joke about it to family and friends and start comparing me to my cousins that should have been in my shoes.

I Don’t Think You Have Realized It Yet

I understand that I wasn’t the easiest child to raise. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I did stupid things and made dumb choices. Who doesn’t? Everyone has had their fair share of mistakes. I just don’t understand why my punishments were so often. I just had to get away from the pain you have caused me. I started to not want to come home. I’m not going to lie I still get these feelings. Just tell me, why?

My Outlook

I’m not stupid. I still go to school and I am carrying a 3.7 GPA. My professors say that I’m an emotional divergent thinker. I’m worthy and valuable. I have had many people love me, want my knowledge, wisdom, and help. I’m a role model to many. I’m not a disappointment. There is so much more for me. I just hope that when you realize this, it’s not too late.

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