My Next Victim or My One and Only

Whoever and wherever you may be. I look forward to meeting you or I am proud to have you in my life. But I just wanted to let you know if you don’t already know that I don’t half ass things in my life… especially love. So if or when you love me, I’m the one who loves hard. So if or when you love me, I’m going to love you deeply and only you. Unlike most of the people in this generation… I know how to love the “right way”. I love like no other and when or if I do love you I will change your life, if you are able to digeste it.

No relationship is easy. I’m going to test you. You can test me too. I just want to see if you are even worth the time. If you are worthy of my love. My version of loving the “right way” includes and requires loving equally. I have loved a lot of people who could not match my love. Which is fine, pain means strength and knowledge of what and who I want. I know love can be one of the best things we have in this lifetime. I don’t want perfect, I want honest. But are you willing to risk getting hurt and take chances for the relationship we deserve? I know I am, in hopes you can love me back.

In loving you the “right way”, I give the absolute best of myself and cannot fear pain. You can say “I will never hurt you” but love is a gamble and I know this. In a world full of liars, we need to be upfront people. So I am going to do that now. The best quality about me is that I know how to love. With that said I will never intentionally hurt you. Unlike the others in our generation I want us to work. I want to have that relationship like in the movies. I had one once and I know all the challenges we have to face. We need to have trust and faith in each other. I know that means letting your guard down, being vulnerable, and having blind trust in someone.

Let’s talk about what hurt you in the past. I will tell you mine and all the scratches and marks that came with it. I will even tell you every detail of how and why they happened. It is scary I know, I’m not asking you to do that right way but when the time comes and when it does you will love me more for having to endure such pain and still being able to smile. I can teach you to get along and love your carcasses, instead of resenting them. I will except you at your worst and show you how to love someone at their lowest point.

I do not know if I am easy to love due to my value of love. I am very sheltered. I don’t trust a lot of people. I know it has nothing to do with you but with my past. I have learned that when you love to easy many people do not know how to return it or respond to it. I love really hard and not even the worst misery can change that.

If you are willing to that risk with me, I assure you it will be worth it. It is going to be a roller-coaster. In a society that communicates to only love with half of our heart, I cannot do so. I’m the girl that takes love to a whole new level. Just a limited of things I must ask for, be patient with me. I am very guarded. Trust me first, then I will start trusting you. I am not an easy person to love but if or when you do, I will love you deeper then no other and I will teach you to love better.

The One Who Likes To Be Benched

I love you so much! Okay, now that is said. You are the most beautiful, smart, outgoing, free-spirited, crazy, loud, aggravating, and annoying person I ever met. I had a pleasure entering your life and becoming a big part of your life. I have shared the most important love in my life. Softball. We have shared amazing crazy and fun moments. Our car rides to my games and back home were so creative and inappropriate. Your mom catered to me and made me gain thousand more pounds and then danced them all off with me. We started claiming each other. Just to show how much our friendship has grown. Thank you for having my back and being the only real friend this past year. You are seriously the one of the few people I can be myself with. You have seen literally all sides of me and you love all of me. I honestly don’t think I can live without you bugging the hell out of me and I love you so much Montoya.

My Rules for a Happy Marriage

1.      Never both be angry at the same time.

2.      Never bring up mistakes of the past.

3.      Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

4.      If one of you has to win an argument let it be your mate.

5.      If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.

6.      Neglect the world rather than each other.

7.      Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.

8.      At least once a day trying to say one kind or complimentary thing to your partner.

9.      When you have done something wrong be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

10.  It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.  

The Visit from an Old Friend

One day he is going to stubble across your Instagram page and see that you are doing real well. You received that promotion. You just purchased that new car. He notices that you are smiling just like he remembers you used to do for him. Then he is going to find himself about a hundred and twenty five weeks in on your page and see that you are doing really good. He is going to try to hit you up and your number is going to be changed. He is going to try to email you and that is going to be changed too. Then he is going to show up at your old house but finds out that love doesn’t live there no more and a hater at your job is going to give him your new address and he is going to pop up there. You are going to answer the door. You are going to look at him and say “what are you doing here?” He is going to tell you “I’m here to get you back.” You are going to look him in the eye and say “It’s too late.” He is going to try to push the door open and you are going to have a pregnant stomach. When he looks at your stomach and sees your hand. He will notice that you have a ring on your finger. Your husband is going to call you from the other room. “Babe is everything alright?” You are going to respond “Yeah just an old friend.” Your husband isn’t even going to come out and bother with you because he trusts you. That is when you turn to your ex and say “It’s too late.”

5 Things to Remember to Tell Yourself Everyday

  1. No excuses- Do not hold off or push aside because if you do you will never get it done.
  2. Self confidence
  3. Have a reason- People with a motive tend to get things done.
  4. Don’t live in the past- Its ok to reflect the past but do not let the past determine your future.
  5. Don’t Prioritize Perfection- People that try to be perfect get bummed out about that one thing that didn’t go as plan and do not see what they have achieved. Remember that perfect doesn’t exist.

*REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH*

True Feelings

My Best friend

You were my best friend throughout my childhood. You were my partner in crime. We would go on missions for ice cream almost every weekend. We have our own language and humor that no one really understands. We would go to hell and back for each other. Many people wanted or envied our relationship.

Coach

By the age of six things started to turn between us. Softball had now entered my life and became my get away until we decided to join a travel team. You offered to help coach and we thought that it would be the greatest idea in the world because we would end up spending more time together. You pushed me and broke me mentally and physically to the point where I didn’t want to play softball anymore. I continued so I prove to you that I really did love the game. Your method was similar to Professor Randy Pausch’s outlook on obstacles. In Pausch’s “Last Lecture” he said “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” This mentality gave me the opportunity to play softball in high school and in college. During the beginning of first college season I tore my hamstring. We went to the doctors together and they told you that I tore my hamstring and that I wasn’t going to be able to play the rest of the season. Instead of letting me rest you pushed me to continue playing the season which caused me to damage my hamstring permanently. My injury became your disappointment.

Myocardial Infarction

After your episode, anger seemed to run through you like a waterfall. Your anger didn’t only show on the field but at home too. Anything said or done that you didn’t approve of for some reason was my fault. Problems at the field were “learning lessons”, you were disciplining me. Your “learning lessons” were not seen as “learning lessons” to others, your actions were abuse. I was so afraid of you and didn’t want to continue or worsen my “learning lessons” that all I would say is “ok” or “Yes Coach” and took my punishment. These “learning lessons” happened for eleven years. I REPEAT! I took your “lessons” for eleven years.

He Admires You

Everyone says that you adore me. Geez, I wish I saw it. “He says great things about you.” Really, like how dumb I am? Or how worthless I am? I’m only asking because that’s the talk we had last night. “He says that you are a great player.” OMG! No you mean how much I disappoint him because I’m the child of an almost pro and he never played as bad as I did. We had that talk twenty minutes ago.

Graduation

Graduation was the turning point of my mentality. Yes, I didn’t graduate on time but I graduated. I didn’t receive a GED. I received a diploma. The fact that you didn’t go to my graduation ceremony because you were embarrassed of me shows how much you cared. My graduation should have nothing to do with you. My graduation should have been a happy moment. Instead you put your pride first and missed a memory. Then you later joke about it to family and friends and start comparing me to my cousins that should have been in my shoes.

I Don’t Think You Have Realized It Yet

I understand that I wasn’t the easiest child to raise. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I did stupid things and made dumb choices. Who doesn’t? Everyone has had their fair share of mistakes. I just don’t understand why my punishments were so often. I just had to get away from the pain you have caused me. I started to not want to come home. I’m not going to lie I still get these feelings. Just tell me, why?

My Outlook

I’m not stupid. I still go to school and I am carrying a 3.7 GPA. My professors say that I’m an emotional divergent thinker. I’m worthy and valuable. I have had many people love me, want my knowledge, wisdom, and help. I’m a role model to many. I’m not a disappointment. There is so much more for me. I just hope that when you realize this, it’s not too late.

Who am I?

Hello everyone,

I am a nineteen year old girl named Karina Hernandez. I was born in Jacksonville, North Carolina due to my father being stationed and was raised in Moreno Valley, California where my mother’s family was located. At the age of six I have gained a love for softball that provoked me to compete. I was blessed enough to be able to participate in the softball program at my college.  Life was great until one day a normal practice became the worst day of my life so far. While doing some drills where I was sliding and diving around I started getting bad stomach pains, no not cramps, these pains were 10x worse, and my back was also receiving some pain. I took some pain killers and they worked for like half an hour. I decided to finish practice with the pain. While just pulling out of my school parking lot my pain grew worse, 10 more minutes of driving home I was sitting in a puddle of blood. I had just entered the city of Moreno Valley and was about 5 minutes away from a hospital. I rushed to the hospital and was told that I was having a miscarriage. I know that miscarriages are common but they are still tragic and painful. Not only did I lose a child but I also lost my ability to compete at the collegiate level. During a game I managed to step into a hole which caused me to tear my hamstring. I continued to play the season while attending physical therapy. I learned that I would not be able to compete because my hamstring was not able to heal correctly without surgery. I decided that I would not have the surgery because it did not guarantee that I was going to be able to play. These experiences brought me closer to other moms and athletes on Facebook who have experienced the same or similar pains. Athletes that have a similar story to mine became mentors to help find a loop hole to life so I would not give up the sport that I love. My experiences in life have been life changing to me and drive for others. I have joined different groups online that I can relate to and share my story and this has given people the courage to ask for help or tell their story.  My Instagram is about me, yes I am aware that I sound coincided. Although the images are of me and my life the captions are of others. I have shared my Instagram with the groups that I have joined so when they tell their story or ask for help and when they do I would find or think of a caption to answer or ensure the person that someone is listening and that they are never alone. Social media is a huge pool of connections that gives me the ability to give advice, help others, and change lives.