2021 END OF THE YEAR LETTER TO MYSELF:

It was a really tough year. A lot of silent battles. A lot of moments of uncertainty. I’ve wondered too many times how will I over come all of this. This year has really showed me that life is not easy. It is not. I can’t try to make it that way. Life is not fair and it never was and it won’t ever be. I know to many people sad to say some adult figures in my life that have fell into the entitlement trap. This trap gives you the mentality of you being a victim and you are not. Get over it and get on with it. As the year came to a close, I noticed one thing that I’m taking into this new year. I never quit. I chose myself. I’ve picked myself up again. The version of me that used to beg to be treated correctly is gone. And I’m going to make sure she is never coming back. So if you show up to my table and you have nothing to offer, if you show up to my table with behavior that hasn’t changed, if you show up to my table with empty promises then YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME TO MY TABLE! Please leave. I will no longer beg for bare minimum. If you can’t give me the bare minimum then I refuse to give you any of my energy. Life is too short. That was the best highlight of 2021 and the foundation placed for 2022.

2022 I’m ready for you!

Why would I mind?

I hope you don’t find this next couple statements disrespectful.

I don’t really need you. I just want you. I can still do my own thing with or without you. I wasn’t always this outspoken and confident I was a broken little girl who learned how to get back up and to never depend on anyone to make myself happy.

If you are in my life then I cherish you. You didn’t know how to handle me automatically. You learned and grew with me throw my flaws and insecurities. You choose me when things got tough. You found solutions and communicated with me instead of running and doubted if this was going to work because I needed time to work on my mess.

You didn’t make me a “maybe” or an “unsure decision”. You didn’t make me an “option” or a “choice”. You are making me believe that I’m not a “chore” but a “hell fucking yes”.

Just so you know, you don’t have to ever do things to make me happy. Whatever it might be. You don’t have to do things if they do not make you happy. Why would you make decisions for your life based on my happiness? I want you to start doing things that make you happy. I want you to make the decisions for your life and not second guess them because you only have one life. You shouldn’t spend it doing what i want you to do. I know this isn’t perfect or ideal. But I believe it has and will continue to make us stronger.

My Twins 7/21/19

It’s that time again… i did it again. I lost myself. I still crying for help silently. They have no idea how hard I’m trying to stay alive… do they? No one knows but I’ve been at my lowest for weeks now. My mind wont shut off. Im just really tired of asking when is it my turn to have something go right. When is it my turn to be happy.

For a moment I was happy. You two were the longest I have carried children and I thought I was going to see you guys. I was in a good place I was doing everything I was supposed to. Well besides eating what I liked you guys really gave me morning sickness but like 24/7. Daddy didn’t like the circumstances so much. Just to clarify dad was excited towards the end but i was living far from him at the time. I lived with my family and he lived with his. He said that he wanted to be there for the whole thing like doctor appointments and such. I wasn’t worried about him though i just wanted to make sure you guys were okay. I was told that you guys weren’t growing and that i would experience a miscarriage soon. So I went to go see daddy that weekend to tell him what the doctor told me. It was my birthday weekend. He tried to get me to not think of it by throwing a birthday BBQ at the park but that was all i thought about. It’s hard to celebrate yourself when your world is crashing down. That night you guys decided to come out. Your dad was freaking out he had no idea how to help. We didn’t have a car and at that time buses weren’t running. We tried calling every and anybody with a car to help us. Grandpa ended up waking up for work 3 hours later and he took us. I was in labor for five hours until I saw a doctor. They told me that you guys were hanging on and i thought well if you guys keep fighting I’ll have to fighting too. But two hours later you two lost the fight and I lost my will to do anything.

To be honest i don’t know where my head is anymore and I’m so tired of it. One day I’m happy the next I’m broken. It’s like I’m drowning in my own head. I’ve cried. I’ve fought. I’ll put it to you this way if God called it a day… a lifetime i wouldn’t complain. I know life is painful but God never guaranteed that i would have a happy one on this earth. He guaranteed that the happiness i desire is in external life. Im hopeful for that. Im overcoming the challenges god had set for me. No one knows how much I’ve changed, but me. Im trying so hard for us to be together again. I love you my babies.

Happy birthday

“I’m proof that you can walk through hell and still be an Angel”

I can’t understand how anyone can just stop. How can she just stop? She is the only mom I get in this lifetime, how can she just stop? How can i quit loving her? If she can just stop like that then she never really lived me in the first place. I don’t understand, everyone is in my ear telling me to move one already she is over you. I can’t do that. My dad has told me that you had a vendetta with me for the longest time because of how much time I was taking you away from him… she is done it’s over and I can’t do anything to change that. I want to I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to move on. I don’t understand how people can do that. I know I’m not a saint. I know that I have my flaws but i am your child. Im basically a mini version of you and my dad. How can you throw me away? It’s like you are throwing yourself away too. She is not allowed to miss me. She threw me away. I didn’t leave. I didn’t die. She threw me away. This is on her. I’m done worrying when you will snap. Im done letting her control my happiness. She never considered anyone’s feeling but her own. She doesn’t get to miss me.

What really baffles me is that she is never going to get it. Its going to be months later and she is going to want to come back like nothing happened. She doesn’t get to come back in my life when I’m finally okay. I don’t want to lose myself trying to hold on to her. When she is not afraid for losing me. It’s hard. Moving on from my mom is one of the hardest thing I’ve had to do. It hurst to move on. But I continue to think of the pain that I’m holding on to. Just because i miss my mom doesn’t mean i need her in my life. Missing her is apart i need to stop trying to find happiness in the same place i lost it. She made me sad. She made me like this. Does she remember the first time she yelled at me? Don’t get me wrong I’m not talking about cleaning my room. Im talking about getting yelled at for not understanding her affair. When she blamed me for something i didn’t do so she can cover her tracks. She told me my dad knew already. Each word was like a fist slammed to my jaw. Her apology the next day was like an ice pack. Her lips every time she kissed me were stitches to an open wound. But each time the letters sunk in a little deeper the phantom blood dripped from the gashes a little longer. Sometimes, i wished she would have hit me. At least the bruises would have shown. Maybe someone would have noticed.

Having a toxic parent is literally so hard like that person is supposed to be your comfort and your safe place. Instead they make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells and jumping down your throat about everything. You want to come to them for help but you don’t even bother after a while. It’s easier that way.

A.A.A

I was the girl that wanted to be married by twenty-five but got married at twenty. The girl who got engaged at the age of nineteen to a boy who made me feel like a queen at first but then made me feel ugly, worthless, and disposable during our marriage. All because I was caught up in my own mind games of being alone and didn’t think anyone else would give me a shot or even look my way. When in fact I was alone in my marriage and because of my marriage I couldn’t give other suitors the chance to woo me. Knowing what I know now about who I married I wouldn’t have married him. It’s just crazy you hear all the time that money can change people, well marriage and divorce can really change people also. it’s just so weird because he would always tell me “You really truly don’t know a person until they don’t get what they want.” never did I thought that he would be the one to prove that to me. I often wondered what was wrong with me? Why my friends had partners who truly cared for them and I didn’t. Was I to fat, to thin, to smart, to dumb? I attempted to ignore my feelings by filling my life with friends and service and I still felt alone. Everyday I cried and I didn’t know if it was because my so-called “soulmate” was missing amazing moments or because he didn’t care. It’s just hard. I loved him. I loved him even passed the reasons why we were getting divorced. But when someone shows you who they are. You just wonder did I know the real you or is this the real you?

Filtering People Out of Your Life

When people can walk away from you let them walk. You don’t need to try to talk to another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you. You shouldn’t care about how wonderful they are or how attracted you are to them. You shouldn’t care about the situation you are in. when people can walk away from you let them walk because your future is never tied to anyone who leaves. YOUR FUTURE IS NEVER TIED TO ANYONE WHO LEFT. People leave because they’re not joined to you. You try to get superglue and they will not stay. LET PEOPLE GO. You got to know when people’s part in YOUR story is over so you don’t keep trying to “raise the dead”. Realist that nothing just happens. If they walk away, it’s not an accident. If you tried to make it work and it didn’t, it’s not an accident. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.

Fondness

I knew exactly what love looked like in the 7^th grade even thought I have never met love before. If love have wondered into my homeroom I would have recognized him at first glance. Love wore a football jersey. Love played the piano and played all my favorite slow songs. Love wasn’t afraid to sit next to me at lunch. I know I would have been checking the wrong hallway and classrooms. But if only I could find him. When love finally showed up he wore not only a football jersey but a baseball jersey as well. Love hated eating lunch and knew nothing about my favorite slow songs. Instead every time I would try to kiss love we would realize where we were and stop because of the situation that we were both in. Love became the reason why I lied to my parents like “I’m going to spend the night at Chabela’s house”. Love had amazing rhythm on the dance floor that all the adults would have a turn to dance with him. Then love disappeared slowly like a slug crossing the street, losing parts of myself that I thought I needed. Love vanished like the magician everyone can see except me. Love stayed away for years but when love came back I didn’t recognize him. Love smelled different now and he had a broader back with different scars I didn’t recognize. Love had songs that reminded him of… someone else. So did I. We found a bench that fit us perfectly. We found jokes that made us laugh. Love is a horrible navigator but a great driver. Love is cleaner now. Turns out love shits and love cries. Love will tell me that I’m beautiful and mean it. Over and over again: when I have just woken up, been crying, don’t want to hear it, don’t believe it, when no one else tells you. Love will still think that you are beautiful. Remember that love isn’t perfect and will forget when you need to hear it most. Love isn’t who you are expecting or what you predict. There are times that love isn’t ready for you or you are not ready for love. Sometimes love shouldn’t come when he is “supposed” to or love leaves exactly when he must. So when love comes welcome him. And if love leaves turn your music up and listen to the quiet because you will never know when love is going to come knocking on your door ready to stay.  

“Here’s to You two” 12/14/17 and 6/27/18

Here’s to you even though I haven’t met you yet. Here’s to you bringing me and your father closer. Without you, I don’t know where he would be but I know for sure it wouldn’t be with me. After you, he wanted to walk through the door. I told him to slow down and wait a minute more. We can still make this last we just have to agree not to move so fast. Now you are in the sky and all we want to do is fly. We are your biggest fans. We hope you understand why we can’t be there to hold your hands. I hope the angels know what they have. We hope you are happy and more alive. Here’s to you my little angel, we miss and love you.

Mommy and Daddy

Secret to Success

I have noticed some thing that every successful person has done that I believe everyone should do. Believe it or not every successful person in this world has taken a risk. You are going to have to take a risk. You cannot just exist in this world. You have to try to live. If you are waking up thinking that there has to be more in this world than it is, you have to believe it is. Believe in your heart that it is. To achieve at life you are going to have to take a risk. When you see people in life, when you are standing at the edge of the cliff of life and see others soaring by going to exotic places and doing wonderful things have you thought, what did they do to do that? Or what risk did they take to go there? If you don’t take a risk you are just going to go to work and if you are getting up going to work every day that you hate going to, that isn’t living. YOU ARE JUST EXISTING. At one point and time you have to take a risk. Before you leave this world take a risk one time. Don’t get me wrong you can play it safe but if you don’t take a risk you will never know what it is like to be truly successful.

 

Never Date Someone Who…

1. Break promises -They would only break promises if he doesn’t care about the relationship
2. Hates animals- If they don’t enjoy the presence of an animals, it means that they have no empathy.
3. Give you secondary treatment- They should treat you as their priority, not another option
4. Claims that they are always right- They would go to extreme lengths to prove his point. Even if it’s wrong.
5. Makes excuses- They are making excuses for everything means they have taken you for granted. Time to proven them wrong.
6. Keeps the fight alive- Fights happen in every relationship. They are just things that you guys will not agree with but when the fights start to linger, and they continue to remind you of them, it’s not a good sign.
7. Kills the conversation – They do not value your opinions if they are always cutting you off.
8. Is a compulsive liar- They do not know the basic building block of a relationship trust
9. Is clingy- They can’t understand the concept of personal space. You’ll be caged your entire life.
10. Runs away from family responsibilities- If they forget their parents, they can easily forget you! Beware!
11. Has a narrow mindset- They will not see the truth in different things, but only the differences
12. Is abusive- Your relationship should be a safe haven, not a battlefield
13. Is immature in their affairs- If they are used to cutting people off for no reason, they will cut you loose sooner or later.
14. Disregards the relationship rules- if they don’t follow the rules you both have set then they don’t respect you.